Goodbye, Little One...

I interrupt the usual positive, enthusiastic voice of this vegan food blog to share with all of you some very sad news. I have withheld any information about it for months now as I was anticipating a happy announcement 'at the right time'. As of yesterday, we found that that day will not come for quite a while. It is with heavy heart and saddened soul that I tell you that a 10 week ultrasound by my OB yesterday showed lack of fetal growth beyond likely the 8th week and no detectable heartbeat.

Yesterday proved to be the most horrific experience of my life. To go from the highest of highs when we saw the shape of our baby on the u/s monitor..to the lowest low in realizing that the shape was more that of an embryo than the fetus he/she should have become and that there was no heartbeat in sight was more emotionally devastating than words can describe.

We have no other children save the amazing four legged creatures that allow us to share this life and space on earth with them. In fact, it was only this last year that we realized we even wanted to create life and bring it into this world together. Before then, the environmentalist in me thought there are already entirely too many people on the planet. This recent loss has shown us just how much we truly wanted this. It has awakened in each of us the realization of all the hopes and dreams we'd already begun to have for our little family, how beautiful and miraculous the creation of life from our love truly is.

We will try again when we can, but for now we grieve the loss of this little one who was already so very loved by both of us and our friends and family.

Why am I telling you this here? In each of you who visit and comment I find a like-minded spirit and kindred soul. I need to share this with you in order to move on, to continue to use this place as a forum of positivity and creativity in the lifestyle I so adore and embrace and want to share with the world. To not share this with you would hold me back, somehow, from returning to my 'normal' life. I will never forget every second of yesterday nor will I forget or ever stop loving the little life that had only just begun inside me...but I need to put out into the universe my eternal gratitude that I am even able to conceive, that I am forever hopeful for the future even in the face of this heart-wrenching circumstance, that saddened seems like an empty word when trying to describe the condition of my heart at this time.

I woke this morning and found myself hours later, in the kitchen, still cooking up this and that, imagining sharing each thing created with you. I knew that I would not be able to blog here again until I relayed the impetus for my time in the kitchen. I think that chopping things and focusing on each item was more immediate therapy than anything else I know.

I am fortunate enough to be married to my very best friend and, in each other, we are sure to begin a path to healing and on to our next venture into creating a family. For now, we prepare for a D&E procedure next week as my body does not seem to want to correct the situation on its own and I, honestly, don't know if I can wait for that to happen, emotionally. I will likely not blog again until the D&E is well behind me.

But know that I am as well as I can be and looking forward to feeling like myself again soon, sharing with each of you the products of my 'therapy'.

and to the universe as it claims our little loved one...thank you for proving to each of us just how much our love for each other desires to blossom and grow, just how much we love each other in the face of both joy and sorrow.

and to our lost little one...

How very softly you tiptoed into our world.

You only stayed a moment, but what an imprint

your footsteps have left upon our hearts.

so much love to all