Saturday, March 31, 2007

Goodbye, Little One...

I interrupt the usual positive, enthusiastic voice of this vegan food blog to share with all of you some very sad news. I have withheld any information about it for months now as I was anticipating a happy announcement 'at the right time'. As of yesterday, we found that that day will not come for quite a while. It is with heavy heart and saddened soul that I tell you that a 10 week ultrasound by my OB yesterday showed lack of fetal growth beyond likely the 8th week and no detectable heartbeat.

Yesterday proved to be the most horrific experience of my life. To go from the highest of highs when we saw the shape of our baby on the u/s monitor..to the lowest low in realizing that the shape was more that of an embryo than the fetus he/she should have become and that there was no heartbeat in sight was more emotionally devastating than words can describe.

We have no other children save the amazing four legged creatures that allow us to share this life and space on earth with them. In fact, it was only this last year that we realized we even wanted to create life and bring it into this world together. Before then, the environmentalist in me thought there are already entirely too many people on the planet. This recent loss has shown us just how much we truly wanted this. It has awakened in each of us the realization of all the hopes and dreams we'd already begun to have for our little family, how beautiful and miraculous the creation of life from our love truly is.

We will try again when we can, but for now we grieve the loss of this little one who was already so very loved by both of us and our friends and family.

Why am I telling you this here? In each of you who visit and comment I find a like-minded spirit and kindred soul. I need to share this with you in order to move on, to continue to use this place as a forum of positivity and creativity in the lifestyle I so adore and embrace and want to share with the world. To not share this with you would hold me back, somehow, from returning to my 'normal' life. I will never forget every second of yesterday nor will I forget or ever stop loving the little life that had only just begun inside me...but I need to put out into the universe my eternal gratitude that I am even able to conceive, that I am forever hopeful for the future even in the face of this heart-wrenching circumstance, that saddened seems like an empty word when trying to describe the condition of my heart at this time.

I woke this morning and found myself hours later, in the kitchen, still cooking up this and that, imagining sharing each thing created with you. I knew that I would not be able to blog here again until I relayed the impetus for my time in the kitchen. I think that chopping things and focusing on each item was more immediate therapy than anything else I know.

I am fortunate enough to be married to my very best friend and, in each other, we are sure to begin a path to healing and on to our next venture into creating a family. For now, we prepare for a D&E procedure next week as my body does not seem to want to correct the situation on its own and I, honestly, don't know if I can wait for that to happen, emotionally. I will likely not blog again until the D&E is well behind me.

But know that I am as well as I can be and looking forward to feeling like myself again soon, sharing with each of you the products of my 'therapy'.

and to the universe as it claims our little loved one...thank you for proving to each of us just how much our love for each other desires to blossom and grow, just how much we love each other in the face of both joy and sorrow.

and to our lost little one...

How very softly you tiptoed into our world.

You only stayed a moment, but what an imprint

your footsteps have left upon our hearts.

so much love to all

36 comments:

zeenes said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your blog has inspired me in my path to becoming vegan, and you inspire me once again with your infinite strength. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Stay strong and what you desire will be yours when it is mean to be.

Christine said...

I've only recently started reading and haven't yet commented, but wanted to offer my sympathies. It is truly the hardest thing to go through. Remember that your best friend is sharing in this and that you have each other to help bear it. Stay strong together and things will happen as they should in the future.

Liliy said...

I'm so sorry.

springsandwells said...

Oh Sweet You,
I'm so sorry for your loss.

It is so courageous and honest of you to share your grief with us, and I'm so glad that you did. Facing grief with love, rather than shame, is such an important part of healing.

You will all be in my heart.

bazu said...

I am so sorry. Your words speak to such a deep and strong emotion, I feel that I am experiencing your grief and loss with you. Please know that we are all thinking of you at this time. Your post reminds me how precious life and love are. I hope that the D&E goes well and you and your body recover fast.

Matilda said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My best wishes and thoughts with you.

Matilda

Katie said...

I'm so sorry. You are a giving, loving person with much to give a child. I'm so sorry for you that you lost your first child. My thoughts will be with you.

Vivacious Vegan said...

You write so beautifully. I am sorry that you have to go through this. Please know that you are in my thoughts and my heart. Big hugs to you and your sweetie.

scottishvegan said...

I am so sorry that you and your husband have to go through this. I cannot imagine your pain. I deeply admire that you can still see the positive even in a time like this. I hope all goes well next week. You will be in my thoughts. Take care.

Brooke said...

I've been there. I know of the emotional pain. I share your loss, and I hope only the best for you in the future.
I send strength to you through my internet hug <----->. :-)

Freedom said...

I don't think there are any words I can say now beyond I'm so sorry.

aTxVegn said...

What sad news you have shared with us. As a mom totally in love with her only child, I can only imagine your pain. I do know you are young, strong, healthy, and surrounded by people who care about and love you. Please know you all are in my thoughts.

Dori said...

{{hugs}} to you. I am so sorry to hear your pain. I lost two babies in between my two children and had to have the surgery. I remember the emptiness I felt. I did however have a normal pregnancy after two losses and have a beautiful daughter now who will be 16 in August!

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take as much time as you need, we'll be right here waiting, wishing you well.

Twisted Cinderella said...

I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

Remember to lean on others when you need to and definitely to use your blog as a place to help you heal.

I do suggest that you may want to look into a support group as well, my best friend said that helped her quite a bit when she lost her little one.

Keira said...

I am sending you love and good thoughts

Marian Silvester said...

Sending you love and hugs.

Joey said...

You are well aware that you all are in my thoughts every waking moment, and I care deeply for you. I'm glad to know that you elected to share this news with these truly amazing people who frequent your blog, and are so obviously greatful to gain so much from your time, love, and creativity.

So much love,
-Joey

Roxy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience with us--it is very touching and you will be in my thoughts.

madeinalaska said...

Sniffle..
Oh Honey, I am too truly sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your husband.
Julee

Veg-a-Nut said...

Words cannot express the sadness I too feel for you. I know that your little one felt your love and my hubby and I truly feel that you will see your little one again. I do believe this with all my heart. My prayers go out for you and your sweet husband. I am so glad that your best friend is there with you in the time of sorrow. When the time is right may you be blessed with the family you both desire. Love and hugs sent your way!

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. My heart aches for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. Please take care of yourself, we are all here for you. Your words said so much.

madness rivera said...

Oh lil mama, I'm sorry.
I'll think good thoughts of healing and peace.

yeaaahtoast said...

I searched through blogger to find vegan websites and this site and particular post came up. Sitting at work, it had me in tears.
I am deeply sorry for your loss and all my best hopes and wishes are with you.
Trust in your body, it knows what's right for you. Trust in your heart, it knows what's best in you. Trust in each other, and see the love you share.

jillian said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope that your heart heals as time goes by - until then, rely on the love of your family and friends to help you through.

Anonymous said...

dear one,

words cannot express how i feel your pain and sadness at this loss.
just be aware that the many who love you will support you and lighten your load at this time. sending you prayers of healing, remembrance of your little one, and love.

Neva Vegan said...

I'm so sorry. Your thoughts are still beautiful to read even while you're going through such a terrible time.

Johanna3 said...

I can only imagine your pain I am so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. I wish you and your family so much love and joy.

laura jesser said...

Bryann, I am deeply sorry for what you have been through--I cannot imagine what this would be like. I am thankful that you felt safe sharing this with us, and I want you to know that I am thinking of you both. I am sure that things will work out for you in the future, just as they are meant to. Peace, and stay strong. ::hugs::

Veg-a-Nut said...

Hi, Just cking in to let you know you and your hubby are still in my thoughts and pray you are doing well.

Douglas said...

Thankyou for using the community of friend you have accross the world to help you. You are cared for and loved. Stay strong!!!!

Em said...

My thoughts our are with you and your husband.

I do not what you are both going through as I have been there. Four years ago now and although I think about our little one daily, it does get easily.

Just take your time. Don't hide your tears.

Am sending you a hug.

Em
xxxxx

KleoPatra said...

Hello... i'm so sorry for your loss. *HUGS* and thank you for sharing this with us. My heart is filled with sadness. Love to you...

Candi said...

:( Oh... how sad. I missed this post. I am so sorry for your loss. {{{{{hugs}}}}}} Your writing here is just beautiful and I hope that sharing your news here has helped you heal a bit. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you are ok. :( :(