I will be back to vegan food blogging soon, especially since it provides such a welcome and enjoyable distraction to the current sadness I am feeling. I will also, I'm thinking, find much solace in the sharing of some of what I am going thru as I've found that other's experiences have helped me to start to put my own life in perspective when it gets to be just a bit more than i feel i can handle. I don't want to overtake my own blog with all of this, but I'm not really up for creating a whole 'nother blog for it, either. So, if you'll indulge me...I dedicate this post to this experience. I'd like to share with you the scary, heart-wrenching, beautiful day my husband and I spent the day before the d&e procedure.
Monday night we traveled to Gainesville where I'd been scheduled for a pre-op visit with my surgeon the day before the d&e would be done. As it was the NCAA basketball championship game, we welcomed the distraction to be with our closest friends and just try and forget the real reason for our visit...if even for a couple hours.
The next morning we woke early for my appointment. We were relieved that i would be the first of the day to avoid being stuck in a waiting room full of pregnant women. We would find this to be short-lived. First, they didn't even have me on the schedule. Once they fit me in, the cheerful receptionist greeted me with an, "oh! so you're pregnant". My "well....technically....." had no effect on her jovial demeanor and I was given a mountain of paperwork to fill out even though this information is all in my records as I am already a patient of their group of physicians.
As we waited to be seen, the room began to fill up with mothers and their children, expectant mothers and their equally excited partners. I tried to focus on my joy for each of them, on my hope for the future all the while counting the seconds until I could escape their presence. finally, my torture was over and i was led by a very pregnant nurse to the exam room. i pushed down my anger that someone in my situation should be escorted around by the one pregnant nurse in the office while the others busily chatted around the desk just starting their work day. they obviously had no idea why i was there and i was inwardly enraged that my pain and suffering was not evident. deep breaths, must keep breathing, none of this is their fault, is any one's fault, became my mantra as i waited.
the doctor was sincere, careful with me, thorough in his explanations. i did begin to feel that he was leaning for me to go the 'wait a bit longer and see what my body does about this on its own' route. he even let out something about understanding the inconvenience of that. i flinched and explained that it was, more than anything, the walking around feeling pregnant, sore breasts, bloated, fatigued state, the waiting was too emotionally draining. the watching the time slowly ebb by just waiting for my miscarriage was more than i could emotionally bear, especially since i do want to try again in the future. this seemed to strike a chord and I think it was then that we understood each other. he wanted to be sure i was sure, i wanted him to understand that i was.
he held my hand and looked me in the eye when he offered his condolences and assurance that the following day would go well and i have no reason not to expect a perfectly healthy pregnancy in my future. i would have to wait to call the hospital after 7pm to find out the time of my procedure. i would also have to take medication that would help to soften my cervix and possibly bring on the beginning of my miscarriage.
terrified, i looked to my husband to help me find a way to make it thru the rest of our day. true to his usual character (he is, without a doubt, the most caring, sensitive, beautiful being i have ever known), he rescued me and whisked us both away to a place we knew we could begin to heal, could come to terms with the day that lie before us.
we drove to the place where our love blossomed in the first place, where we later would travel at any chance we could to cultivate it, to where we pledged our marriage vows, to where we go for every anniversary, celebration, or source of comfort in times like these.....we drove to St. Augustine.
we grabbed lunch from our favorite veg friendly cafe (Sundancer on A1A), soaked up their positive vibe while we waited for our lunch to be boxed up (these people just exude good feelings) and let hope creep into our spirits as we absorbed our surroundings and made our way to our favorite spot. Washington Oaks State Gardens is where we fell in love, it's where we've always gone to catch a glimpse of true magical beauty and perfect enchanted bliss. we sat in the very spot, our secret little clearing on the inlet where we first did when we took a chance thirteen years ago and gifted one another our hearts. the sun shone so bright, warming our skin, penetrating the cold of our hurt. the water was alive with light, the birds were singing to our souls, the wind whispered thru the trees that this is just the beginning of our hearts' desires.
We nourished our bodies as our surroundings nourished our souls and our shared love helped to begin our healing. we took our time that afternoon wandering thru the gardens. in all the years we've traveled the paths there, we'd never felt the place feel more alive. with fresh eyes we took in every beetle in our path, we laughed at the unending wisps of webs that were constantly catching on our clothing and floating behind us as we passed, we lost count of the little creatures that kept showing up on our bodies as we moved thru their homes. we carefully directed them back into the forest and silently thanked them for being there with us.
the entire time, there was a butterfly the same color of the leaves of the path who led the way for the length of our journey. when we stopped, they stopped...when we carried on....they fluttered back and forth between us always a step ahead.
the trees were so vibrant with life. the shades of green and brown were spectacular and just so very alive. i cannot put into words the utter magic and specialness of this place.We then crossed the road and drove up a bit to Summer Haven, the little stretch of the beach that we've always thought of as our own. We took a minute to gaze at 'our house', one we've loved and fantasized about living in for years....now for sale.
Then we carefully navigated down the rocks to the part of beach that has given us so much in all our years together. Hand and hand we walked along the ocean, letting the salt air fill our lungs, cleanse our beings...and together we remembered that day so long ago....when we first realized that we'd found in each other the person we would want to create life with....we'd been walking along just like this years ago and came across perfect little baby footprints. it's a memory that's always been with each of us and we've shared often. on this particular day it was so beautiful and sad to return to all at once. It all felt so right, though. i know that, at that time, the baby we'd made had ceased to grow, was no longer truly with us.....but it felt right to bring whatever remained of him or her inside me to the place where even the possibility of his/her being entered our hearts. it felt perfect to know that at least, we'd been able to share that with them. that, if the universe needed them back so soon, at least we'd be able to show them what we're all about, where they came from, and where they'll always have a place inside each of us.
Wednesday's procedure went well. the team of doctors who cared for me were nothing shy of spectacular, both at conducting the whole thing and in caring for me both physically and emotionally. my loving husband was perfect in his strength and his tenderness. my own OB came by to check on me and the overall sense of love and support from these strangers was more than i could have hoped for. i am recovering as well as can be expected. unfortunately, taking it easy is not what i want to do. i want so badly to just keep busy, to move beyond it. but i know my body needs a bit of time to heal.
I don't plan to blog again about this here, and I would like to thank each of you for your patience, your kindness, your understanding, and your support. I look forward to immersing myself again in the vegan community i love so much and feel so fortunate to be a part of. thank you so much for letting me share this here. it means more than i can say to have this outlet. to put it out into the universe so that it may seem more real for me, so that I may feel purged of the pain I've been carrying around. i know I'll have my good days and bad. i realize that this will be a part of my life forever....but thanks to you, it's not all sadness. i also take with me the realization of such a wonderful, loving community of people who, without ever having met me, are such a wealth of support, caring, and inspiration. Thank you all.